Allysa's Story: Suffering from Imperfection

We met in the elevator. She was wheeled into the same waiting room as myself by her grandmother, Elaine. Not much of her hair was left and not much was left for her to smile about either. Her skin was so pale and thin, you could see the viens in her forehead. Hidden behind thick lenses, where the dimmed eyes of a child. No doubt darkened and I suspect, damaged by her treatment. She was feeling sicker than usual and neither Elaine, or her granddaughter, could force a smile. It was the kind of scene you would turn away from if you could. A special kind of horror, a terror every parent hopes never to face, is a child battling cancer. Some unbelievers would use this situation to find an excuse to hate God. Nothing can convince some He isn`t evil. Even if, they are sure He isn`t real. In fairness to them, we offer little in the form of an explanation. If we are really honest,  these kind of struggles are the hardest for believers to make sense of.

Humanity, as audacious as it can be , shyly turns away from suffering every chance it gets. It`s a constant reminder of the fragile reality of our imperfection.  It`s easier to ignore heartache when people remain nameless. We justify ourselves by whispering little nameless thank yous to God for sparing us from the  "curses" like caring for a sick child. Or we just pretend there is no order to the universe and that a loving God couldn't exist amid the tragedies. I couldn`t turn away from this sweet little eight year old. This day, heartache had a name. Heartache`s name was Allysa. For the first few moments, all I could think about was her parents and what they must be going through.  Then, briefly I pondered what my parents maybe feeling as I fight my personal battle with this disease. I found grace in not finding the answers to those questions. Yet, I still asked God to help me understand. What was and still is inescapable was the vision of my own daughters, sitting in her place.  In my mind, I could see them in the wheelchair. I don't even want to suffer the thought.

 She was exhausted from treatment, pain, and nausea. Kneeling down, I introduced myself and offered her a spearmint. "It helps with the nausea," I said. She refused the mint, but replied weakly with her name. She didn`t seem too interested in talking, until I asked "what is your favorite song ?."

"It`s inappropriate," she said as she whispered the title in my ear. Determined to get a smile out of her, because the bible says in Proverbs 17:22" a merry heart does good like a medicine", Sir Cletus can`t mix a lot did his very best at Baby Got Back. God only knows, if I'll ever find a more useful moment for this goofball personality He created me with .

Transformed from the laughter, her sad cold eyes eventually warmed up to a glow. It was a most beautiful transition, like winter turning to spring. She reached  for the spearmint I had offered earlier. Placing it in her fragile little fingers, I asked her grandmother if could I pray for her.  After we prayed together, I really got to know Allysa and Elaine. I tried to bring as much laughter their way as I could, while fighting back the flood of tears that would freely flow the moment I was alone. Overwhelmed by a sense of loss, coupled with the separtion from my daughters during my treatment, I found myself being thankful this wasn't my child. An idea that left me confronting the truth about my own selfishness. In my pityful gratitude, laced with my own personal, convenient, and comfortable desires, I had momentarily forgotten every child is a gift from God. Allysa's parents are lucky to have her. I was very fortunate to have met her.

 I found out, she can`t make up her mind on a favorite color since "they are all so pretty". She thinks Batman is cooler than any other super hero. She is wicked smart. When it came to her treatment and medicines, she had to help her grandmother keep track of important information. I witnessed her, respectfully but correctly, arguing over the details about her treatment. Showing me Allysa`s cheerleading photo, Elaine told me how this little dancer had preformed with the big girls at some of the Celtics` games. How differently she looks now. A shell is all that now remains of the body that houses the same beautiful soul of this princess, a daughter of the one true King. Since she was diagnosed with a brain tumor in October, she`s lost 20% of her body weight. During the conversation, I found out Allysa had been abandoned by her mother and father. If that was all someone knew about Allysa, they might convince themselves God doesn`t care. I`m betting every thing, even my whole life, that He does. Before you make up your mind about God, you need the rest of the story. The truth is, we don`t have it and we never will, this side of heaven. Still, at least, there`s more to this particular story.

Allysa, was abandoned by an unfit mother. After spending time in a foster home, her mother decided she wanted Allysa back. Later, the courts would return her to her mother only to remove her again. Eventually, she and her brother, were adopted by her foster family.  It`s highly unlikely she would have ever been diagnosed in time or received the proper treatment had she not been abandoned. Despite looking like hell, (the origin of this disease) Allysa's hair will return. It`s likely she`ll make a full recovery. Upon finding out my cancer doesn't respond to chemo, she rolled her eyes and informed me how lucky I am . "I only have four treatments left and the prognosis is good ", she told me sophisticatedly.  As surely as, I know this is God`s grace in action, I know someone would ask, what about those who don`t recover? Wouldn`t it be better if they had never been born? Why doesn`t God just make things perfect to begin with?

I`d tell you, "He did" if I thought my theology would satisfy intellect or logic. I`d offer a doctrine if it afforded anything that would sooth the emotions of nonbelievers who really care, or believers who really don`t understand anything more than God can`t be understood. In fact, I`d hope you`d never allow anything I say or write draw you into a belief of what you perceive as Christ. Yet, I would still be unable to hide my relationship with and would point you to the one who gives a peace beyond all understanding. Knowing full well, only His spirit can overcome the hate and contempt we have for a creator we do not and cannot fully understand.

Atheist turned theologian, C.S. Lewis, wrote "Try to exclude the possibility of suffering and you find that you excluded life itself." Nothing says more about the human condition than suffering. Contrastingly, Buddha teaches  "the root of suffering is attachment". Perhaps that's why so many children are abandoned. If detachment from people is the cure, I'm destined to suffer only the teachings of Christ. Suffering brings out the worst and best in all of us. It will draw us to, or push us away from God. Jesus is the only God, who shared and endured our suffering and continues to do so. Rejoicing in suffering is a biblical concept. While everyone is running away from suffering, we are taught to run towards it. It's there, in the sufferings of our Lord, we find the cure for what ails mankind. It`s not as crazy as it sounds. In the last four months, I have experienced things and met people that would have never been possible without this cancer and I`m so thankful for it. Life begins in suffering, so you could even say, suffering is natural and perhaps needed. Think of it this way. If the temperature was always perfect, we`d never know the satisfaction of warming by a fire on a bitterly cold night. A refreshing cool dip in the pool would yet to be discovered. In a perfect world, there`d be no underdogs to root for. There would be no winners, because, of course, there could be no losers. No obstacles equates to no challengers and absolutely nothing to aspire to. No heroes. Without the human need to be comforted, there would be no Allysas to turn away from. Meaning we`d never know what it means to show compassion or feel empathy. In a perfect world, void of human needs, there would be no desire to meet her or anyone else. If God had prevented suffering to enter into man`s fallen world, would we even be able to define our humanity? Beauty can only come from ashes if something gets burned in the process. Void of the human experience, what would we become? It`s scary to consider, considering how short we fall with them. Sparing this world from suffering would have prevented sacrifice and denied the birth of Hope. For Hope is born from suffering. Suffering isn't desirable but men rarely desire what is best for themselves. Doesn't a world without suffering sound a lot like a perfectly bland existence with no chance to taste heaven? Suffering brings the hope for heaven. I wouldn`t miss that for the world. Would you ?

When in Doubt, Do.

Each time I speak or write, I take time the next day to reflect on the message I've delivered. In hopes that the next time I'll be better. No matter how fancy it sounds or how excitedly it is delivered, it's the same 2000 year old message. We are hopelessly lost without Jesus. In the back of every speaker's mind, who loves and fears God, is the hope the Holy Spirit moves people and not their delivery, or personality. There's always a doubt a little too much of the flesh got out in your message. It's sort of chaotic. I'm not sure it should be any different. I've come to trust that doubt as the only sign of my sincerity. 

Beyond my sincerity, is the call I received from Him. I only know of two things each God calls people to and from. He calls us to Himself and life and away from sin and death. These reflection moments have taught me my doubts are not an excuse for not continuing but a reason to continue to "press on".  We are "saved by grace through faith."and "faith without works is dead." God might call us to a different location or vocation but it won't be a vacation.There's a lot of things yet to do.

We shouldn't let doubt stifle the spirit.

God does gives us "a peace that  surpasses all understanding". It comes from the fact  while we have no power to change things, He can change anything. He can and does use anything or anyone to do it. Even us.

 Pray God will use us to change lives by engaging and impacting the community.  Share how God helps you overcome doubts in the comments below .

 

What If ...?

No two words gather more anxiety than "what if?". What if I loose my job? What if my spouse leaves? What if a meteor falls from the sky and obliterates the planet? Nothing is as frightening as the unknown but I've lived long enough to know most things we worry about never actually happen. For a long time I've known "what if? " is a monster.  A beloved pastor friend once said, "Jesus slays the "What If Monster." As much as it is humanly possible, I believe that.

Nothing awakens a sleeping "what if?" dragon like hearing "there's a tumor in your head and we aren't sure what it is." Even with the helmet of salvation, the "what ifs" will echo in your mind upon hearing such news. I promise you won't need, as I have had, well meaning friends  to tell you their near death experiences didn't produce any evidence of a hereafter. Expect, because of your faith and attitude toward life and death, for them to assume you have thrown in the towel. Rest assured, despite my eagerness to be with Christ and because of my desire to serve Him here, I would be quite content in growing old. 

If there's a "what if?" question concerning my current  condition that I haven't asked myself and God, I haven't got a clue of what it could be. If you know me, you know I've examined this thing from every angle three or four times. I analyze things backwards and forwards, It's who I am. It's why my faith is what it is. I've tested it from every angle I've doubted it from.

Through the years I've learned this truth. The greatest fiery dart to ever hit our shields of faith will be: what if the gospel isn't true? As deep as that rabbit hole goes it still has a bottom. I could write a book on that terrible scenario in which mankind can find no hope outside itself. There's lots of reasons why being a Christ follower makes sense to me. While many of those points would deliver a death blow to the "what if?", my weapon of choice is Love. I could make a biblical case for Love being the spiritual sword. Without the gospel, Love is reduced to just an evolved protein.  However, if this faith has been conjured up by my faculties through some grand cosmic accident, producing nothing more than chemical responses to stimuli, then I will have been better for it.  I will never make an apology for having faith, hope, and love or for spreading it. I would never trade a delusion of hope in something for a reality of nothing to hope in. If my only reward shall be the relationships made while worshiping in vain, then it will have been worth it. I'd rather spend whatever time I have with those delusional enough to recognize mankind has a collective problem than those who believe they are immune to it. Or those who believe there isn't a problem. Or worse, those who think they have the solution to the problem within themselves. Call me hopelessly romantic, but I rather be with those delusional enough to believe themselves to be broken and in need of a real thing called love. Love holds a mirror in front of "what if?". Like Medusa, it is defeated by its own ugly reflection. What if the gospel isn't true? Then our reality, our reflection is a cross minus a resurrection. "What if?" once made the mistake of holding a mirror on front of a cross. Had it only reflected what mankind had made the cross into, I would have ran from "what if?". Ironic as this may seem to some, the only scenario I give up in, is one where the cross only reflects a return to the pointless nothingness so many believe we came from. But the cross doesn't reflect just our ugliness. It reflects the most beautiful of all transformations of when the universe dared to ask Jesus ," what if?" Only God could have changed that ugly image of death into one of faith, hope, and Love. He can transform the darkness with the tiniest of lights. Since He first said," let there be light"the darkness has been running scared .Imagine what that power could do for your reflection.

Who Would You Fly With? A Different Diagnosis

What do you do when two doctors look at the same MRI and come up with two completely different diagnosis? The doctor at Duke gave us less certainty about what we are dealing with. The good news is the tumor might not be in the brain. It could be just close enough to the pituitary to appear so. It may be in the bone. So who do we believe ? Does it even matter? The bottom line is no matter whatever or wherever this is, it must come out. 

When weighing opinions, nothing trumps experience. When landing a plane in a storm, do you want the new hot shot pilot or the guy who has landed the plan for years? When the experienced pilot says he's not sure where he's gonna land the plane, it just boils down to trusting in his ability to land it. The doctor at Duke could be wrong about what this is. He even said so. But he's my doctor and I trust him. He'll take care of whatever comes along with my body. I have faith in my pilot and his ability to navigate  through storms. Only this doctor's not my pilot.

 I'm not a frequent flier to the doctor's office but I have flown in planes a number of times. Even had to make a an emergency landing once. Figuratively, my pilot has made such landings with me as well as countless others.

 My pilot never tells me what course we are on. He only says we'll eventually land safely at home. Along the way we will be landing and refueling at preselected areas. In the meantime, I'm to set back and enjoy the flight. He's assured me, he will either calm the storms or keep me calm in them. Since I'm not in the cockpit, I'm not sure if there are dark clouds or clear skies ahead. But that's ok, because I can't fly the plane anyway. Honestly, sometimes I like for him to fly through the storms. I love to see him show off those moves. Just so I can brag about how good he is. Oh look, Jesus just turned on the fasten your seatbelt sign.  

The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; he knows those who take refuge in him. (Nahum 1:7 ESV)

Pecan Trees and Brain Tumors

It was fourteen feet in just 5 years. Pretty good for a amateur arborist. The day I planted my pecan tree my youngest daughter asked my wife ,"why is daddy planting a stick ?" I did everything right. It was regulaly pruned. The proper fertilizer was used. I watered it regularly and treated it for pest. It was beautiful right up until it died. I was perplexed and kinda ticked off. I put a good bit of time and money into that tree.  Except it wasn't dead. It isn't fourteen feet anymore but from the root a new tree is growing. I now envision a stronger more beautiful tree than before.

What in the world does that have to do with a brain tumor? Absolutely nothing. Unless, you have an epidermoid growing inside your head and the tree just happens to be planted where you see it everyday. I have known for a week today what my friends have known for years. My problems are all in my head. Since this is a congenital defect, they've been right all along. They've always said, "boy you ain't never been right in the head!" Who knew I had such prophetic friends! The tumor is large but benign and removable. Praise God from whom all blessings flow. So here's what the pecan tree reminds a man who's about to have a literal hole in his head.

I didn't expect the tree to die. I did not expect the tree to come back either.  Despite our efforts when it comes to Pecans (and everything else), crop production is not our our job. Our job is to plant, water, and harvest. I've seen those farthest from God come to know Him best. I've seen those I considered saints throw in the towel on the good fight. I've seen tragedy and miracles. So to strengthen our faith and in causing our focus of total dependency upon Him, God continually reminds us to expect the unexpected.  

The Tree's connection to life was its roots.  Likewise our foundation, our roots, must be connected to the giver of life. I don't even want to imagine facing this without a relationship with Christ. I have had a fleeting moment just long enough to convey this message to the enemy. God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. (2 Timothy 1:7 ESV)

It's not my pecan tree. It's not my skin, body or even my tumor. Everything is God's. And He can and will do what He wants. My buddy Kevin Child's said it like this.  "God does what He wants. When he wants to.  To and through what and who He wants to. And He's always right." The bible teaches us all things were created for His pleasure. And it will be Good. Revelation 4:11 Romans 8:28

Are you listening?

Scientist may have found evidence of a creator.

"Proofs in the pudding" whatever that means.

Check out the link above. So scientist have discovered more evidence to support the Big Bang theory. Before creationist roll their eyes, with this new evidence comes strong support for a creator. To make a long story short, the new evidence suggests in addition to a starting point of the universe, the Big Bang had to have a starter. A catalyst, a pusher if you will. Something outside of time, space, and matter had to pull the trigger. Exciting as that may be for believers, you can rest assured much time a research will go into finding a more logical explanation. Some people won't listen to reason. What if science actually proved the existence of God? Would that make more people have faith? I don't think so. In fact, I don't think even seeing God would change a thing since we tried to kill Him the last time He was here. Apparently, God puts more stock into listening rather than seeing. "Seeing is believing " but the bible says " faith comes from hearing". After all, if you can't see that there's a creator, you are visually impaired and ain't no amount of magnification gonna fix it. In order to have faith in something you don't have to see it, or understand it but you got to listen to it.  Witness to enough people and you'll find most don't want to listen to it. Jesus said they wouldn't listen even if someone came back from the dead then He did just to prove it.  Take Romans chapter one. We have. "Clearly seen" and are "without excuse". Mankind knows the truth yet we have rebelled since the garden. Do we have to have data from the telescope to tell us how big God is? Is He hiding so well we need a microscope find Him?  Believing is not equivalent to faith for even Satan believes in God. Belief is something you can develope by understanding what you know. Faith is believing in something you know you can't understand. And God is too wonderful to understand, don't you know. 

The Burden of Proof

Everyday, I hear of a new article trumpeting the charge for atheism. 

Uber-inteligent people, convinced God doesn't exist, articulate the ignorance of anyone who believes in a creator. Those believers, like myself, who openly defend the faith are often labeled delusional. Many of us lack either intellectual prowess or spiritual fortitude to debate the likes of Stephen Hawkins or Christopher Hitchens. If we are, in fact ignorant, then for sure ignorance is bliss. To be clear, I'm not attempting to defend my mediocre intellect. That would be a whale of a task. Really, my God doesn't need me to defend Him. Quite the opposite is true. He isn't a yeti, or a little green man from outer space. He can't be authenticated or quantified metaphysically speaking . So, what I find tragically comical is the burden of proof for a creator, placed on believers by many atheist. Why do we have to prove anything? Much evidence exist for things that are unprovable. Like your love for your children. As evident as it might be, it's impossible to prove. At the same time, you know it is true because you experience it daily. Just because, someone who's never been a parent hasn't got a clue what that kinda love is, doesn't mean it isn't real. You wouldn't feel pressure to prove that. The same should apply to matters of faith in God. Imagine someone  analyzing a beautiful painting, while trying to explain why the paint randomly, spontaneously adhered to the canvas, to the sons and daughters of the artist . Despite many scientists who believe, from Sir Isaac Newton to today's Francis Collins, many atheist still often condescend to believers as parents of children with an imaginary friend.  As if, nothing can exist outside of what men have a capacity to measure. Atheism means placing your faith in mankind and only mankind. Let that sink in. It means explicitly trusting modern men, whose feet barely left the dirt less than 200 years ago, to explain the cosmos. It means trusting the data and integrity of intelligent life with modern technology in its infancy to explain everything. A 15 billion year old ever-expanding universe, being measured by beings whose farthest reach is their moon, who are convinced the possibility of a creator is laughable. It's akin to weighing the ocean with bathroom scales while claiming pigmy right whales are extinct. By the way, modern scientist missed that one by 2 million years or so with a recent discovery of one. http://m.livescience.com/25656-pygmy-whales-living-fossils.html   . I'm not suggesting that new science can't be trusted even though it often debunks ideas once held as scientific truths. Rather, that 15 billion light years wide and counting, leaves a major margin for error.  Ruling out any possibilities isn't good science. It's arrogance. Not admitting a creator is a plausible theory to the origin of the universe is a closed minded agenda. Don't discount what you don't understand because you haven't experienced it. You never know what might wash up and change everything you once held as true. So you still don't believe in God? Can you prove that?